Thursday, September 30, 2010

California vs. Louisiana

I’m beyond tired. I’m exhausted.

And that’s the reason why it’s been 6 months since my last post. If it came down to updating my blog or sleep, sleep wins. If it came down to mindlessly facebook stalking or posting an update, stalking wins.

Stalking & sleep aside, I break this 6 month hiatus to share some news and though most of you already know this, blogging is therapeutic for me…

We’re going home.

Home like Louisiana, home. Ruston home. Sloppy roast beef home. Collard greens & ham hock home. Sweet tea home. Conservative home. Republican home. Bible belt home. Steel truck nuts home.

We’re trading in the 8 lanes of the 405 for the 2 lanes of the 20. Trading in the billboards that offer a size 0 waist and flawless skin to billboards offering to save our souls. We’re trading in near perfect weather for 98% humidity. We’re trading in the cement for lush greenery, the beaches for the lakes, the California crazy for the Louisiana crazy. We’re trading in 50 grocery stores for Walmart.

And we’re actually okay with this. Excited even. Don’t get me wrong there were reasons why we left Louisiana, but after discussing it in great detail & even making a pro/con list the pros outweighed the cons.

And when we filtered out the nonsense of our pro/con list…one thing was clear: In Louisiana we would be able to provide more opportunities for our family without sacrificing our individual needs, dreams or happiness.

So the decision is made and the coordination of logistics has begun. We’re coming home, but as different people with different priorities than when we left 4 years ago. Not to mention our twosome is now a three. We have no regrets or feelings of defeat. We’re grateful & happy and looking forward to what our future holds as a family and individually.

So, that’s our news.

BUT, we aren’t closing this chapter on California just yet. Over the next handful of months we have left here we plan on soaking in as much California as we can & hug the necks of the people we will miss the most.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Thursday, April 8, 2010

father nose best.

title credit to the father.

Saturday, April 3, 2010



As I jump back into my career & face my anxiety, fear, & guilt, I'm reminded quality over quantity. Which puts things in perspective & making it easier to deal with.

It's not about how much time I spend with K4, it's how I spend my time with him. And the milestones I miss, I'm comforted knowing he'll do them again. and again. and again. Each time just as exciting as the last.

Took a incredibly amazing mom & woman to remind me of this and that I'll be okay, K4 will be okay, & it's okay to be a working mom. Thanks Manang.

“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.”
- Oprah Winfrey

Friday, April 2, 2010

I have a question or two...

It's April. IT.IS.APRIL. When did that happen?

Time needs to pump it's breaks & slow it's roll, it's moving way to quick.

K4 turned 3 months Tuesday, where did my newborn go? has it already been 3 months? is it really time for me to go back to work?

Monday marks the official day of my return into the work force and the thought sends me into a panic attack. I’ve been away for 7 months…seriously, that long?

Is it TMI to share that my tummy issues aka IBS, has once again reared it’s ugly head?

I recognize that it’s ridiculous to think my baby is going to forget who I am because I’m away from him for 12 to 14 hours of the day. BUT, that’s 12 to 14 hours of snuggles, laughs, smiles, & tickles I’m going to miss out on. We were just starting to get used to each other & now I have to leave him? I am now kicking myself in the butt for the hours wasted on postpartum depression

How am I going to juggle, being a wife, a nurse, a student & now a mom? Where am I going to find the energy? Am I ever going to get a consecutive 5 hours of sleep again?

What’s making all this easier to digest is the fact that my wonderful mother in law has come to be a full time “Gram,” making this the perfect time to jump back into things. I keep trying to focus on the pros. But, how come the harder we try to focus on the positive the negatives like to show up in bright neon lights with a foghorn in hand?

So, this is my last weekend as a full time mommy & in two days I throw on my scrubs, dust my stethoscope off, & head back to work. It’s like riding a bike, right?

I can do this. I can do this. can't I?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Where the Sidewalk Ends.

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

-Shel Silverstein

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Always the last to know...

You’d think since I live with him, share the same bed, wash his underwear, even went half on a baby with him, I’d be on the up and up on his latest projects. Well, I am, most, always the last one to know. Which again was the case with his latest project

Apparently, the web caught wind of his new project, which apparently is inventing the hip-hop comic book remix and making hip hop cool again. Special shout out to Music Nerdery, for not only recognizing my husbands talent, but his ability to make people laugh out loud.

I may not completely understand, the album/comic collabo, but I can appreciate the illustrations & his artistry. What makes him even more amazing is his ability to crank these illustrations out, all while being a completely hands on daddy & an amazing husband.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Dirty thirty.

It's my favorite day of the year!
Happy Birthday, Ken!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Labor & Delivery.

On the morning of December 29th my doctor took a look at my blood pressure, my miserable face, my swollen hands & ankles & said I was done.

OBVIOUSLY! I was done a long time ago, but whatever.

So, we left with the instructions to meet with our perinatologist to determine the safest possible route of delivery, in other words to find out if I was going to be able to physically push K4’s 90 percentile head out of me. Vaginal or cesarean, we were hours away from meeting this being that had been making me blissfully miserable for the past 38 weeks.

After making sure his head was proportionate to his body & that he wasn’t 9 lbs., the doctor said I was good to deliver vaginally. Actually, he said his wife was about my size and she delivered his 8+ lbs. son vaginally, therefore I shouldn’t have a problem. I would have rather him base his decision on my personal situation or even better yet, medicine, but whatever.

Around 5 pm we make our way to the hospital game faces on, READY. Then reality sets in once were in the delivery room…HOLY SHIT WE ARE HAVING A BABY...HOLY SHIT WE ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS…HOLY SHIT THIS IS HAPPENING.

I’m tagged team by 2 nurses, one is asking me questions & the other one is hooking me up to monitors, sticking needles in me, & (OUCH) checking me. They stick a patch on my cervix to assist in ripening, it stays in me for 12 hours.

At midnight, my blood pressure is high enough that it puts me at risk for seizures, so they start me on magnesium & place me on bedrest. (bedrest=placement of urinary catheter, damn my luck, OUCH)

So, I spent the early morning of the 30th feeling congested, having hot flashes, and extremely uncomfortable.

6:45 am, they remove the patch & start the pitocin.

At 9:30 I’m 4cm & ready for my epidural. By 10 o’clock Ken says it’s the most relaxed I’ve been in 10 months, except of course when the epidural loses its effectiveness, thankfully my anesthesiologist is there to manually push a stronger dose of the epidural medication. Until, I’m about 8cm & the epidural wears completely off. Conveniently my anesthesiologist is in a c-section & K4 is telling me to push, so now I’m having to breath through the contractions, which I’m feeling 150% and NOT PUSH, I’m told it’s not time, WTF none of this was part of my birth plan. They remove the existing epidural & attempt to place a second one, three tries later it’s in and I can’t feel anything from the waist down, WONDERFUL. At some point my water semi ruptures, so my doctor has to fully break it with what looks like a crochet hook. After that they tell me I’ve lost a lot of fluid so they have to place yet another device inside me, SIGH. An intrauterine pressure catheter is placed, to measure the exact force of my contractions & just in case I need an amnioinfusion.

Before I know it, it’s time to push. An hour, 2 cuts, & a vacuum to the head later K4 is out of my body. I don’t cry. I cried when I read Twilight and I don’t cry at my own child’s birth? Is there something wrong with me? My arms and legs are mush. Then I feel the stitches, every pull of every stitch, in and out. I can hear Kenny, my brother & sister-in-law, oohing & ahhing. I’m exhausted & still wondering why I’m not crying. Shouldn’t I cry at the own birth of my child? I just lay there quiet, uncomfortable, yet relieved.

They change the sheets underneath me & rip the tape off of my back…the pain never ends…

They put him on my chest. I finally cry, then we both fall asleep.

He’s perfection. We’re in love & ready for the ride of our lives.